Ceritera selepas 6 tahun (almost)

Bismillahir rahmanir rahim..

Last post was in 2014 and now it's 2020. A lot (and i mean a lot) had happened for the past 6 years. I am no longer a free-spirited young lady in search of new adventures but a stay-at-home mum with limited movements. Yes, i know i sounded regretful... Things have not been what i imagined before. I didn't count on being so helpless after being married. The happily ever after ending fantasy was not how i painted in my mind. Alhamdulillah i am blessed with 2 darlings who are the apples of my eyes. But i can't seem to be on the same pages as my other half. Sometimes, i blame myself for jumping too soon on the bandwagon. I see my friends getting hitched one by one and i couldn't wait for my turn.

I am grateful I'm able to spend time with my children almost 24/7 by staying at home and not out there working. But i do get burnt out from time to time... and this is almost always what we can't agree on. I can't go out there spending time with friends, i can't spend too much time on the phone to relax, i can't  even spend time for online classes or coaching when the children are awake. Yes, the children are at a tender age and i should be more attentive to them. However i think the children would be able to benefit more if there are socialising with others, and not only just cooped up with their overly-exhausted mother. And i definitely think the children can learn valuable lessons if they are taught to behave in the presence of others.

So now i am an agent of business entity. Before joining, it was already informed there will be online coaching and stuffs. Definitely definitely i will have to be on the phone more. But i cannot join the coaching classes or meetings in the presence of children. Because the children needs me more. HELLO??!! Why introduce me to this when you know you are not agreeable to this kind of arrangement? This is child's play? That i don't have to do AT ALL what is needed because the main importance is the children? Yang rezeki tu dah ditulis, buat apa pun rezeki tetap sama? Tak payah buat betul2?

Ya Allah..ya Razzaq, ya Fattah, ya 'Alim.. ya Hakim, ya Rashid, ya Muhaimin, ya Mujiib, ya Ghafur, ya Rahman, ya Rahim....Anta ta'lam kaifa hali.. guide me through this challenge and help me mend my relationship with You..

Bismillah

Alhamdulillah. Anak-anak selesai sesi persekolahan tahun 2014. Aku berasa sangat gembira dengan pencapaian mereka, namun masih banyak lagi yang belum kukongsikan dengan mereka. Masa kita bersama sekejap cuma... dan kini aku meninggalkan mereka selama-lamanya.

Sedih dan berat hati ini ketika meninggalkan mereka, namun diriku juga harus diutamakan. Berapa lama lagi hendakku biarkan diri menjadi bola, dibawa ke sana sini oleh orang yang kurang simpati? Tidak lagi!

Aku juga sedang melalui sebuah lagi perkenalan. Awalnya memang indah, ahli keluarga semua nampak bersetuju. Namun tiba-tiba, hari ini aku dikejutkan lagi dengan berita yang kurang menyenangkan. Ibu seolah-olah menjadi penghalang; hubungan ini tidak boleh dilanjutkan. TITIK!

Ah, mengapa... mengapa sekarang begini jawapannya, setelah dia datang bersemuka? Mengapa bukan semasa dia masih di alam maya?

Diriku menjadi serba-salah. Hatiku kuat mengatakan dia adalah wira yang kunanti-nanti. Dari awal perkenalan kita sehingga sekarang, aku masih tidak ragu.

Ah ibu. Bukan aku tak mahu mendengar katamu. Yakinlah setiap apa keputusan yang kuambil, ibu adalah orang pertama di fikiranku.

Aku berserah padaMu ya Allah. Kerana keyakinanku berteraskanMu. Engkau Maha Mengetahui, maka ilhamkanlah aku dengan pengetahuanMu.

Sekali lagi

Bismillah

Ternyata usahaku membuahkan hasil. Bukan realiti indah seperti kuharapkan, tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku tidak lagi ternanti-nanti sesuatu yang tidak pasti.

Kini kumencuba lagi. Kali ini melalui orang tengah di alam maya.

Perkenalan baru berusia seminggu cuma. Masih jauh lagi perjalanan kita andaikata ini yang benar.

Aku cuba... tip-tip kakakku aku cuba. Walau ia bukan aku yang sebenarnya, tapi ini juga usaha. Usaha memikat hati sang teruna.

Allah juga jangan kulupa. Kerana hati dipegang siapa, kalau bukan Dia yang Esa?

Pertama kali

Bismillah

Pertama kali di tahun 2014. Aku kembali menulis.

Biasanya bila aku mula menulis ialah kerana aku mula bermain dengan perasaan.

Kali ini harapnya bukan mimpi yang hanya diungkapkan dengan pena, tapi realiti indah dan bahagia.

Aku tekad.. tidak akan berlengah lagi.

Orang tengah mesti dicari, biar jawapan ya atau tidak boleh diketahui dengan cepat.

Ya atau tidak, kedua-duanya harus kubersyukur. Tidak mahu bermuram durja bermasam muka. Tidak!

Makna Bahasa Rasa

Bismillah

Kadang-kadang ku tertanya

Apakah makna di sebalik bicara?

Ada masa ku terfikir

Apa yang hendak dizahirkan dari gerak geri?

Aku tiada jawapan. Sehingga kini aku masih segan.

tiga

Bismillah

Bukan sekali dua
Bukan sekejap cuma
Tapi mengapa tiap kali terjumpa
Ku harus menjadi yang ketiga?

- penat!

raya 2013

Bismillah

I am one who do not like to share much about events, such as raya celebration. Somehow, I don't see the significance of sharing raya photos to the public. Maybe some would call me selfish.. maybe I am.

But this post will be extra special, as this year's celebration is the last one with only 5 of us.

Next year, insyaAllah, there will be 6. Maybe 6 and 1/2.. or 7, or even 7 and 1/2?

:)

reflection

Bismillah

It has been a long while. I think I have grown up more these past few months than I ever before.

Working with toddlers and children has been most rewarding. I have never felt bored, even though work keeps piling up day by day. It's true that sometimes I tend to complain, but that's just natural, isn't it? I need to vent off some frustrations so that I won't blow up.

These little kids have secured a special place in my heart, I just can't imagine leaving them behind. I love them more and more each day, even though a few of them do get into my bad books. But after all, they are children... I felt remorseful every time I was too hard on them.

Looking at them, I felt looking into my past, my present and my future.

How innocent a child is. How the world is a happy place for a child.

I was like them then too. I never thought of sadness and cruelty would happen to anybody in the world. My understanding of 'sadness' was when I did not get to eat my favourite food or a friend decided to play with another person instead of me.

Presently, a child is, most of the time, a teacher of experience for me. A teacher of life. I learnt a great deal from them and I hope they learn as much from me as I do from them.

Watching them grow up each day, the future looms in front of me. I feel the challenge of educating the young minds of today and I wonder how much more challenging it would be teaching the young minds of tomorrow... which would include my own offspring (insyaAllah)

Allah knows best. Because Allah has indeed put me in a condition that lets me do thinking and reflecting every day.

Allahu musta'an~

cubit paha kanan, paha kiri terasa sakitnya

Bismillah

Pergolakan di Mesir. Bukan ku tak endah. Tapi diriku juga diselubungi tanda tanya.

Nak memberi sepatah dua kata, tidak selayaknya. Hanya membaca dan berdoa, sebagai bukti ku masih peka.

Cukup Allah sebagai pembela. Cukup Allah tempat pergantungan kita.

HasbunAllah wa ni'mal wakil~

perasankah?

Bismillah

Kadangkala gembira, kadangkala terdiam duka
Dua rasa daripada dia yang sama

guru & pelajar

Bismillah

Alhamdulillah.. hampir 3 bulan bekerja sebagai seorang guru tadika. Diberi tanggungjawab mengajar 68 orang anak murid. Suatu angka yang besar. Suatu amanah yang berat.

Pada masa yang sama, saya masih seorang pelajar.

Disiplin diri harus mantap.

unnie-chan

Bismillah

I've been wanting to post about my sister for a very looonngggg while.

I've been observing my sister every time we go out. She has this good habit of picking up trash, no matter where it was, and throw it away in a bin. But an empty bottle on the pathway couldn't do harm to anybody, right? And anyway, that empty bottle is dirty. Personally, I wouldn't want to touch anything dirty on the pathway when I'm oh so clean and tidy.

It is a small act in a human's eyes, but Allah sees it as a great act of kindness.

Another good habit of hers is to greet vendors at the market cheerfully. We all have the usual shops that we like to go to. We have seen them time and again, so why do we need to greet them like we have not seen them for long? But she doesn't care if people look at her strangely when she does that (even I feel weird)

So with the observation I made, I'll try to emulate her.

:)

ikhlas?

Bismillah

Tomorrow I'm going for an interview at Hanis Montessori. I pray to Allah, may He ease my path towards becoming part of the teaching staff there, amiin~

For the past few months, I kept seeing my path directing me to the teaching field. I was asked to help my nieces with their Quran recitation, and then a friend came up and asked for volunteers to tutor students with sicknesses that make them miss school many times, and I went for an interview for a teaching position at PCF kindergartens (though I've already turn down the offer unofficially), and now this interview came along..

However, a point brought up by a friend makes me think. The mother of the student I'll be tutoring asked me to help out her daughter with her recitation too. My friend told me that I was lucky to have the opportunity to teach Quran recitation.. pahala berterusan as long as what I taught is being practiced.

I reflected upon myself... have I been sincere, Lillahi Ta'ala, when I teach? Or do I work only for worldly gains?

Will I stand in front of Allah, saying I've been teaching for the sake of Him, only to have those empty words thrown back at me?

:'(

tak sabar nak kembali ke sekolah

Bismillah

Aaarrgghh... dua bulan sebelum ini, terasa berkobar-kobar nak mulakan sekolah semula. Bila duduk berbincang dengan pensyarah, masyaAllah, otak yang dah kempis nie terasa kembang semula. Input-input yang bernas buat diri terasa tak sabar nak menaip dan menulis.

Tapi... bila jauh dari pandangan, semangat pun dah jadi pudar. Apa yang dah dibincangkan semua seolah-olah dah jadi kenangan. Seakan masuk telinga kiri, keluar telinga kanan (saja terbalikkan sebab nak rhyme).

Sekarang dah kena siapkan surat minta maaf campur air mata. Tak dapatlah den nak sambung belajar di UM buat masa nie. InsyaAllah satu hari den kembali lagi. Buat masa nie, ambil udara baru pula. Suasana baru. Teman-teman baru. Pensyarah-pensyarah baru. InsyaAllah, jika tiada halangan, esok nak daftar di INCEIF. Moga dipermudahkan urusan. Moga Allah redha.

:)

and the time just flies..

Bismillah

Since my last update, alhamdulillah, my sister is already safely engaged. Now, we are busy making preparations for September event. There were a lot of heated discussions, even before the engagement, between my sister & I and our mother. My sister wanted a simple engagement and wedding (and I agreed) but my mother kept asking to consider our BIG family. Simple just couldn't be done. And anyway, since it's a first wedding for the family, everybody wanted it to be a HUGE success.

We both wanted just what pertains in Sunnah, but culture caused a hindrance to it.

When it's my turn, I hope my mother and relatives will be much more understanding to accept what I want for my event.

p/s: ukhti soghirah, this is for you :))

the other side of him

Bismillah

In welcoming the in-laws-to-be, my mother decided to do a spring cleaning. I came across a few diaries and note books my father used to write in his notes from his weekly gathering.

My heart ached as I keep on reading, even though I was laughing outside.

How meticulous was he.

He was consistent in updating his daily activities, even if it was only to write, "MC 2 hari, duduk rumah sahaja".

He made a table of his earnings, how much he had earn and how much he had spent for the day. How much money he was giving my mother, his mother, his children, money he put aside for savings etc.

How he copied nicely the lectures given by his teacher at the weekly gathering.

How he wrote a letter to himself, reminding him of the world and the hereafter.

How he was a good person and the best father a child could ask for.

I was feeling a bit disheartened when I thought that he had gone away so soon. We, his children, had no chance on learning to be the good person he is. We had no chance of growing up with his teachings.

How I miss my father so, so much :'(

May Allah grant him Jannah and place him among the anbiya', syuhada', solihin. Amiin~

welcome!

Bismillah

I think 2013 is going to be an exciting year for the family... because we might be welcoming a new member in our family. Yeay!~ (I know, I don't sound quite sincere)

My mother is SUPER excited.  She keeps on mentioning what she has to do.. meeting in-laws-to-be, spring cleaning the house, window-shopping wedding items. It's good to see her being excited. The family has become stagnant for quite a while (I mean, there has been no major events for quite some time), so having a new family member sure add some spice in our lives.

My sister seems quite excited too. She used to be one who will shy away from the topic of marriages and the like (I'm usually the overly-excited one) but now she seems to be more open to discuss about this. And i'm jealous!

Well, I'm actually happy to see my mother up and about being excited. She definitely deserves some happiness, and none could make her happier than to see her children being happy (A wedding IS a happy event, right?)

:)

2013

Bismillah

Long overdue post for 2013 I think.

2012 had left me in a bad state of confusion that I didn't even look forward to a new year.

I am now taking baby steps, again, towards being a better me.

May Allah bless.

a whole new dimension

Bismillah

I have heard and read about this a lot of time but yesterday, the realization hit me hard. Suddenly, I'm thinking about this in a whole new dimension.

I know that when a girl got married, the responsibilities shifted from her parents to her husband. She must obey her husband first after Allah. Jannah will be waiting for her. Parents come second. Whatever her husband wishes for her, as long as it is not against the shariah, she must comply to it. This does not pose a problem for me. I've been a good daughter for as long as I live (ehem.. most of the time).

The thing is, I might get married to someone who is not from my hometown (macam ye ye je) and my in-laws would be less thrilled to leave the place where they have toiled years and years.

Okay, I still have no problem with that.

The problem is I don't want to live apart from my mother. My mother too would be less thrilled to leave Singapore as my father was buried here. My mother wanted to have the same final resting place as my father.

Woah! Suddenly, this become too hard a question for me to think about. Well, actually, I don't need to think about this anytime soon. I'm sure things will go with the flow when the time comes.

12.12.12

Bismillah

Tarikh tersebut telah datang dan pergi. Bila lagi kan nak ketemu tarikh seperti itu? 'Ala kulli hal, alhamdulillah masih diberi kesempatan bernafas dan melalui tarikh yang cantik ini. Alhamdulillah atas kelancaran majlis makan-makan semalam.

Semalam merupakan kali pertama saya menganjurkan majlis makan-makan yang mana saya menyiapkan sendiri juadahnya. Rumah terbuka sempena aidilfitri juga tidak terasa sesibuk dan sepenat semalam.

Adik beria-ia mahu mengadakan majlis makan-makan sempena ulang tahunnya yang ke-16. Katanya sweet 16 dan pada masa yang sama, tarikhnya unik. Kami sekeluarga selalunya akan makan di luar atau membuat tempahan untuk menyambut ulang tahun kami. Tapi adik mahu mengajak teman-temannya berkongsi hari bahagianya, oleh itu kami ikutkan juga. Sebenarnya agak seronok juga berbincang dan membuat pelan untuk majlis ini.

Alhamdulillah majlis dapat berjalan dengan lancar. Jazakillah khair kepada ukhti soghirah yang banyak membantu di belakang tabir.

Saya berasa gembira kerana dapat mengenali beberapa orang temannya. Sekurang-kurangnya, dapat saya ketahui dia berkawan dengan siapa dan bagaiman perwatakan mereka.