Berjalan Mencari Makna dalam Hidup


  • Allah & His Messenger
  • my family
  • mereka yang menyayangi saya :))
  • babies and toddlers
  • my course
  • my late cat :(

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Opportunity Cost


It's a bittersweet experience having staying home these past (almost) two months. I get to bond with my family members more, more than I have been for the past five years. I'm seeing my mother growing older each day, I'm seeing my brothers growing up to be men, and I'm seeing my sister as being more than just a sister, but a confidante. I learn to cook everyday. I bake almost every night.

On the other hand, I missed out on activities with friends. Many are going to the next stage in their lives and I am not there to celebrate their big day. I missed out on all good talks and seminars. My mind thirst for knowledge.

I had to leave some to gain some.

Project: Apology


I feel the need to accomplish something during my 'free' time so I set up a project named Project: Apology. This is because I have made a lot of mistakes to many but I did not have a big heart to say "I'm sorry" then so I am going to say it now.

Recently, I changed the concept of my bedroom. From a little girl's room to a mature lady's room (yeah, right!) My mother had been bugging me for quite some time about my gigantic bed and she had been asking for it to be thrown away. At long last, my bed was gone.. all but the bookcase. (If the bookcase is gone too, I wouldn't know where to put all my precious books)

At the same time, I also did a bit of tidying up my things and I found a stack of old pictures. Most of the pictures were from my secondary school years at Irsyad. Those were happy but jahil moments. There were pictures of my male friends, my girlfriends not properly covered.. At that time, I did not feel guilty taking pictures of myself, my female family members and my female friends without any headgear because I never thought that the person who develops the pictures of us will look at those pictures but I was wrong. I was naive then.

It broke my heart looking at the old pictures and I feel that I need to apologize to them for my thoughtlessness. :'(

I have to apologize to my students' parents because I have been MIA since I came back for Aidilfitri holidays. I miss my students but I cannot seem to bring myself to go to their house. :(

I have to apologize to my former boss. She messaged me TWO times but I did not reply both. I just don't know what to answer. :(

And my biggest mistake to a person would be to one of my close friends, H. Ever since we live apart from each other, I kept feeling that our wavelengths just don't click as much as they used to be. We have more differences now than before. I kept running away from her messages and friendly gestures, for reasons I do not understand. :(


A friend's status on facebook jolts me back to reality.

"Bagaimanakah jenazah ketika hidup?"
"Bagaimanakah jenazah ketika hidup?"
"Bagaimanakah jenazah ketika hidup?"

Soalan di atas diulang sebanyak tiga kali oleh seorang imam selepas selesai menyembahyangkan jenazah. Dijawab "Dia seorang yang baik" oleh para makmum."

I do not want to leave this world in sorrow for being a selfish human being. :(

Friday, November 9, 2012



This is a role I play whenever I come home. My mother is a joker and my sister is sensitive, so when they both meet each other, 'war' will be erupted.

Sometimes, it felt really tiring to make peace between both of them. But I try to because I like peace.

Now that I stay for long at home, I too tend to join in the war.

Sometimes it's hard to understand my mother joking ways, and she too do not understand me and my sister.

Is it okay to say that people who argue much among themselves love & know more about each other than those who do not do that?

count my blessings~


Last week, my brother had a heart to heart talk with my mother. It seemed that as he will be finishing his O Levels in a few days (by the way, he already had his last paper yesterday), he had given thoughts to what he will be doing while waiting for the results.

A couple of years back, my brother had shown interest in music. I was against it at first, but I relented a bit by making him promise that it won't disrupt his studies and he won't neglect his ibadah. I don't know if my approval was correct or it has let my brother to has thoughts of pursuing music seriously.

That aside... my mother was adamant not to let him pursue music. And that made him burst to tears.

He cried, telling my mother that he really wanted to meet ayah. He really wanted to know about ayah, his personalities, his likes. When my mother related this to me, my heart broke and tears sprung to my eyes.

All this while, I've been lamenting how little the time I got to spend with my father. But I forgot that my brother NEVER EVEN got a chance to recognize my father. I think the only time he set his eyes on ayah was up to 3 months old.

I should count my blessings. At least, I get to meet ayah till I was 10 years old.