Ceritera selepas 6 tahun (almost)

Bismillahir rahmanir rahim..

Last post was in 2014 and now it's 2020. A lot (and i mean a lot) had happened for the past 6 years. I am no longer a free-spirited young lady in search of new adventures but a stay-at-home mum with limited movements. Yes, i know i sounded regretful... Things have not been what i imagined before. I didn't count on being so helpless after being married. The happily ever after ending fantasy was not how i painted in my mind. Alhamdulillah i am blessed with 2 darlings who are the apples of my eyes. But i can't seem to be on the same pages as my other half. Sometimes, i blame myself for jumping too soon on the bandwagon. I see my friends getting hitched one by one and i couldn't wait for my turn.

I am grateful I'm able to spend time with my children almost 24/7 by staying at home and not out there working. But i do get burnt out from time to time... and this is almost always what we can't agree on. I can't go out there spending time with friends, i can't spend too much time on the phone to relax, i can't  even spend time for online classes or coaching when the children are awake. Yes, the children are at a tender age and i should be more attentive to them. However i think the children would be able to benefit more if there are socialising with others, and not only just cooped up with their overly-exhausted mother. And i definitely think the children can learn valuable lessons if they are taught to behave in the presence of others.

So now i am an agent of business entity. Before joining, it was already informed there will be online coaching and stuffs. Definitely definitely i will have to be on the phone more. But i cannot join the coaching classes or meetings in the presence of children. Because the children needs me more. HELLO??!! Why introduce me to this when you know you are not agreeable to this kind of arrangement? This is child's play? That i don't have to do AT ALL what is needed because the main importance is the children? Yang rezeki tu dah ditulis, buat apa pun rezeki tetap sama? Tak payah buat betul2?

Ya Allah..ya Razzaq, ya Fattah, ya 'Alim.. ya Hakim, ya Rashid, ya Muhaimin, ya Mujiib, ya Ghafur, ya Rahman, ya Rahim....Anta ta'lam kaifa hali.. guide me through this challenge and help me mend my relationship with You..

Bismillah

Alhamdulillah. Anak-anak selesai sesi persekolahan tahun 2014. Aku berasa sangat gembira dengan pencapaian mereka, namun masih banyak lagi yang belum kukongsikan dengan mereka. Masa kita bersama sekejap cuma... dan kini aku meninggalkan mereka selama-lamanya.

Sedih dan berat hati ini ketika meninggalkan mereka, namun diriku juga harus diutamakan. Berapa lama lagi hendakku biarkan diri menjadi bola, dibawa ke sana sini oleh orang yang kurang simpati? Tidak lagi!

Aku juga sedang melalui sebuah lagi perkenalan. Awalnya memang indah, ahli keluarga semua nampak bersetuju. Namun tiba-tiba, hari ini aku dikejutkan lagi dengan berita yang kurang menyenangkan. Ibu seolah-olah menjadi penghalang; hubungan ini tidak boleh dilanjutkan. TITIK!

Ah, mengapa... mengapa sekarang begini jawapannya, setelah dia datang bersemuka? Mengapa bukan semasa dia masih di alam maya?

Diriku menjadi serba-salah. Hatiku kuat mengatakan dia adalah wira yang kunanti-nanti. Dari awal perkenalan kita sehingga sekarang, aku masih tidak ragu.

Ah ibu. Bukan aku tak mahu mendengar katamu. Yakinlah setiap apa keputusan yang kuambil, ibu adalah orang pertama di fikiranku.

Aku berserah padaMu ya Allah. Kerana keyakinanku berteraskanMu. Engkau Maha Mengetahui, maka ilhamkanlah aku dengan pengetahuanMu.

Sekali lagi

Bismillah

Ternyata usahaku membuahkan hasil. Bukan realiti indah seperti kuharapkan, tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku tidak lagi ternanti-nanti sesuatu yang tidak pasti.

Kini kumencuba lagi. Kali ini melalui orang tengah di alam maya.

Perkenalan baru berusia seminggu cuma. Masih jauh lagi perjalanan kita andaikata ini yang benar.

Aku cuba... tip-tip kakakku aku cuba. Walau ia bukan aku yang sebenarnya, tapi ini juga usaha. Usaha memikat hati sang teruna.

Allah juga jangan kulupa. Kerana hati dipegang siapa, kalau bukan Dia yang Esa?

Pertama kali

Bismillah

Pertama kali di tahun 2014. Aku kembali menulis.

Biasanya bila aku mula menulis ialah kerana aku mula bermain dengan perasaan.

Kali ini harapnya bukan mimpi yang hanya diungkapkan dengan pena, tapi realiti indah dan bahagia.

Aku tekad.. tidak akan berlengah lagi.

Orang tengah mesti dicari, biar jawapan ya atau tidak boleh diketahui dengan cepat.

Ya atau tidak, kedua-duanya harus kubersyukur. Tidak mahu bermuram durja bermasam muka. Tidak!

Makna Bahasa Rasa

Bismillah

Kadang-kadang ku tertanya

Apakah makna di sebalik bicara?

Ada masa ku terfikir

Apa yang hendak dizahirkan dari gerak geri?

Aku tiada jawapan. Sehingga kini aku masih segan.

tiga

Bismillah

Bukan sekali dua
Bukan sekejap cuma
Tapi mengapa tiap kali terjumpa
Ku harus menjadi yang ketiga?

- penat!

raya 2013

Bismillah

I am one who do not like to share much about events, such as raya celebration. Somehow, I don't see the significance of sharing raya photos to the public. Maybe some would call me selfish.. maybe I am.

But this post will be extra special, as this year's celebration is the last one with only 5 of us.

Next year, insyaAllah, there will be 6. Maybe 6 and 1/2.. or 7, or even 7 and 1/2?

:)

reflection

Bismillah

It has been a long while. I think I have grown up more these past few months than I ever before.

Working with toddlers and children has been most rewarding. I have never felt bored, even though work keeps piling up day by day. It's true that sometimes I tend to complain, but that's just natural, isn't it? I need to vent off some frustrations so that I won't blow up.

These little kids have secured a special place in my heart, I just can't imagine leaving them behind. I love them more and more each day, even though a few of them do get into my bad books. But after all, they are children... I felt remorseful every time I was too hard on them.

Looking at them, I felt looking into my past, my present and my future.

How innocent a child is. How the world is a happy place for a child.

I was like them then too. I never thought of sadness and cruelty would happen to anybody in the world. My understanding of 'sadness' was when I did not get to eat my favourite food or a friend decided to play with another person instead of me.

Presently, a child is, most of the time, a teacher of experience for me. A teacher of life. I learnt a great deal from them and I hope they learn as much from me as I do from them.

Watching them grow up each day, the future looms in front of me. I feel the challenge of educating the young minds of today and I wonder how much more challenging it would be teaching the young minds of tomorrow... which would include my own offspring (insyaAllah)

Allah knows best. Because Allah has indeed put me in a condition that lets me do thinking and reflecting every day.

Allahu musta'an~